wilgutspleens
Star Player
I am suffering from prescient nostalgia....the future's not what it used to be
Posts: 864
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Post by wilgutspleens on Sept 14, 2020 7:51:17 GMT
Craw's UltraNasty Terrors (Booncabal) 1 v 2 Hunky Spooners (Wilgut Spleens) A slow start for the Spooners this season but this game went some way to putting them back in the frame with three level ups thanks to face full of spunked SPP’s, my favourite face full of spunked anything. Cleggy Smunge, Twinkly Rat and Shirty Ditter all benefited from the jiz spray of fortune. A team of composed predominantly of Gobs and Gnobs was always going to feel the pain playing against a team with more block and tackle than a Patrick O'Brien novel, however the fact that Boon had been caught with his pants down laying a cable in Nuffle’s breakfast bowl of sunshine added a hatful of “ones” to the mix…and not in a good way.
The C.U.N.T played well, but never had the rub o’the green, the Big Man was exceptionally un-stupid for one of his breed and although he got killed in the first half was soon up on his feet again and stumbling aimlessly around. The Crimson Dodger had an excellent game until he too was consigned to the steadily growing pile of dead and injured and he pulled off a great stunt, leaping over a bemused Kissedoff Punt to surf bull centaur Berty Dastard having already scored the equaliser. Boon is an excellent tactician and his plan of pretending to not have a plan was cunningly wrapped in another plan of not actually having a plan at all which was hidden behind the denial of ever having had a plan which was in fact a very cunning plan indeed. Genius!
Still even the most cunning plans that are not plans within plans that are denied as ever being plans but are in fact very cunning plans indeed, can go wrong. Many a slip twixt cunt and tit as the old saying goes. "It did not go well." au contraire mon ami, it went very well…..very well indeed……..MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
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valis
Global Moderator
Posts: 993
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Post by valis on Sept 14, 2020 8:48:40 GMT
You two should play each other every week with dual match reports like these!
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Post by haugster on Sept 14, 2020 17:42:23 GMT
Caimen Excise Dodgers 2 - 0 Deep Rooted Loyalty The lizards’ tactic of sabotaging the elven armour before the game worked better than could have been hoped. By the end of the first half , seven elves were off the pitch, five of whom were badly hurt. Despite receiving in the first half, the remaining four elves weren’t able to turn their possession into points and went in one nil down at half time. Six elves against a full lizard team wasn’t going to prevent a second touchdown in the second half, and were fortunate that it wasn’t three in turn 16. A proper armour roll Nuffling for Haugster. It was bad. Not just did the armour mostly not work, but every armour break was either a knock out or an injury. The elves' cause was not helped by some poor play during the first drive of the elves when they pressed on rather than play it safer and getting some elves out of trouble on the sidelines, but you generally don't expect to loose three(?) players on one turn.. I guess the only upside to this is that though the lizards injured on every block, at least noone died..
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Post by elitost on Sept 14, 2020 18:04:14 GMT
I was planning on writing the match report straight away, and then I figured I just do it later and now its later and what remains is a vague theory of vampires likely doing that thing with their eyes that they do while not doing that thing with their fangs, giving a result of 4-0, I think. I have a uncertain memory of thralls, a couple of thralls, dying in pools of blood, though. I reccon something watchtower did must have caused that to happen. Note to self, my short term memory is far better than my long term one. Will use that revelation for planning future reviews to be written faster
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Post by anchor on Sept 14, 2020 22:02:15 GMT
Hive of Scum & Villiany 2 - 1 Ska Kings Redux
Each team seemed to take it in turns collapsing. The Kings had about 4 players left as the Scum ran in the first score. As they were mainly KOs, the Kings were back in strength for the 2nd half. They then proceeded to remove half of the Scum, including Baba the Troll who took an extended nap as he stayed off for 2 drives, as the Kings leveled. Thankfully the Kings passion for Double Skull enabled the depleted Scum to crash through to retake the lead. Untill an over ambitious threatened to let the Kings equalize again. Fortunately the Scums luck held in a strings of "don't roll a 1" moves to knock the ball off the pitch and to thankfully see it thrown back deep into the Kings half.
The Scum could have sneaked a 3rd, but they just couldn't help themselves pushing their luck that little bit too far.
GG Nobby
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nobby
Veteran
Prince Chinos
Posts: 445
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Post by nobby on Sept 15, 2020 1:22:45 GMT
When asked about two recent losses. Nobby was heard to exclaim.
"this bunch of underpants wearing pricks can't hit a fucking barn door when standing next to the counting thing" before throwing his hat out a window, completely missing the intended target of the cabalvision reporter.
Much like his wanky fucking team.
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valis
Global Moderator
Posts: 993
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Post by valis on Sept 15, 2020 4:58:06 GMT
When asked about two recent losses. Nobby was heard to exclaim. "this bunch of underpants wearing pricks can't hit a fucking barn door when standing next to the counting thing" before throwing his hat out a window, completely missing the intended target of the cabalvision reporter. Much like his wanky fucking team. This sum up your season so far.
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wilgutspleens
Star Player
I am suffering from prescient nostalgia....the future's not what it used to be
Posts: 864
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Post by wilgutspleens on Sept 15, 2020 6:22:25 GMT
Wiccan Athletic 3 v Spleens Old Boys 0
A return to form for Spleens as the Old Boys forced a crushing victory on the Wiccan Latics. Latic coach, Alan Latic, struggled to explain his total defeat of the Old Boys saying “there was nothing we could do to prevent it, we were outclassed by a much worse team. They had everything, they were disorganised, they lacked fitness, they had honed zero ball control, only diligent practice and hard work could explain such incompetence”
Alan was doubly disappointed not to have the opportunity to kill Old Boys rising star Barry Scott saying “The obsequious little cunt has it coming” (Alan’s from Wigan)
The highlight of the game was at the kick off when a rock hurled from the crowd hit and killed Pygors, Latic beast man. A small irritating, squeaky voice was heard to yell “Look what it did to this beast man” to which the visiting fans replied with a roar “Bang! And the goat is gone”
After the match an ebullient Spleens denied it was Barry Scott, saying as far as he knew the little gobshyte was having a little lie down at the time.
A smiling Spleens denied allegations of match fixing, saying that he thought it was a race to the bottom and as such his team were setting new records, showing a form not seen since the Balatro Hammers graced the field.
Asked if Scott would be match fit for the next fixture Spleens frowned and sighed “Yes, I am afraid none of his injuries were particularly fatal and the little twat is ready to start cleaning up again”
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valis
Global Moderator
Posts: 993
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Post by valis on Sept 15, 2020 9:47:43 GMT
Wiccan Athletic 3-0 Spleens Old Boys
Despite not taking to the field, Barry Scott proved to be the Old Boys’ 12th man. He missed training all week due to “injury”, when in reality, he was constructing a ballista to be used as the teams lined up, launching an ultra-high velocity rock that decapitated Pygors.
As the Athletic fans chased Barry from the stadium, Head coach VALIS urged his team’s apothecary to patch up Pygors and get him back onto the astrogranite.
“You do know his head has come off?” said the apoth. “I’M NOT A MIRACLE WORKER!”
The resultant extra player didn’t help The Old Boys as a succession of lame slaps from both sides saw the ball being squabbled over like pre-school halflings over a bacon-seamed pork & leek luxury sausage roll. Eventually, Athletic freed the ball, only for a fireball to take out the entire cage.
A halftime tie looked inevitable, until the statistically expected run of decent dice allowed the Latics to block, pass and score for an undeserved lead at the break.
“Well Done. Great Score” typed Wilgut Spleens, in an attempt to mask his frustration.
Receiving in the 2nd half, Athletic did that incredibly boring Chaos thing of sitting on the ball and shielding it with a wall of meatheads.
Fatchance cleverly circumnavigated this problem by lobbing goblins over the top as living ammunition to take out the ball carrier. These big-nosed cunts proved most annoying, with one particular bastard needing 4 beastmen to chainpush him into the crowd.
Such was the resilience of the goblins that it took right to the end of the second half before the Latics stumbled over to make it 2-0.
“Well Done. Great Score” typed Wilgut Spleens, in an attempt to mask his fury.
The Old Boys weren’t done however, and Fatchance hurled a ball-wielding gobbo far down the pitch to within one square of a consolation score.
Once again, the Latics revved up their lucky dice, blitzing the little fucker into oblivion, before running, handing-off and passing the ball from one end of the pitch to the other for a last-ditched and totally undeserved 3-0.
“Well Done. Great Score” typed Wilgut Spleens, in an attempt to mask his self-loathing.
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wilgutspleens
Star Player
I am suffering from prescient nostalgia....the future's not what it used to be
Posts: 864
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Post by wilgutspleens on Sept 15, 2020 16:42:49 GMT
I was typing in Welldoneese! A little known font that turns all invective into platitudes!
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Post by penkoon on Sept 15, 2020 22:57:13 GMT
Congrats on 500 posts. I think that means you are a grown up, real member of the forum.
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wilgutspleens
Star Player
I am suffering from prescient nostalgia....the future's not what it used to be
Posts: 864
|
Post by wilgutspleens on Sept 17, 2020 16:58:31 GMT
Ghouls Aloud 1 v 1 Hunky SpoonersA TV gap of 200+ resulted in a freebooting wizard type for the Spooners plus some strange looking “ladies” offering beery resuscitation, neither made a lot of difference, the wizard brought a damp squib and damper matches, the boozy floozies weren’t used as the only KO rolled a 6! It was bruising start for the Ghouls as the dwarves used the cover of a thick swirling blizzard to come in low and unseen after Twinkly Rat received the ball deep in the Spooners half. Deft kicks to the Ghoulies resulted in Injuries to one werewolf and a Wight in the first two turns and a further injury to new signing werewolf Keith Full Moon in the third turn seemed to indicate that Nuffle was smiling on the stunty mean cunt bastard fuckers. However, Moon, like his names sake is made of sterner stuff and a little thing like death was not going to spoil his debut gig, he regenerated and was soon back on his feet gain. That was the best of it for the Spooners. A slow stroll down the park and walk the ball in. The Ghouls showed their form in the second half scoring early and killing hob Spanky Munk in the process. Nothing keeps these guys down for long tho, and he was soon up and kicking the other way as a player for the Ghouls. A good match and both coaches agreed the right result was had!
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Post by anchor on Sept 17, 2020 19:49:07 GMT
Well that was a shit show from start to finish.
Loverats 3-0 winners
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valis
Global Moderator
Posts: 993
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Post by valis on Sept 17, 2020 19:52:23 GMT
Well that was a shit show from start to finish. Loverats 3-0 winners Hey! You stole my match report!
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selfy
Star Player
Wessex Dork
Posts: 707
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Post by selfy on Sept 17, 2020 20:29:36 GMT
Round 4/5 SAC VIDI PRINTER..............................................
Fighting Wessex Wyverns (Selfy_74) 2-1 (Haugster) Leaping Lovers........
Match report to follow..................................................
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