Post by Thricedarned on Aug 10, 2016 16:48:17 GMT
Greetings and salutations, gentlecunts. I am Thricedarned, the thrice darned head coach of The Heralds of Change, a position I have held since season 1 in the _old_ BB1 FunLeague and will bloody well hold until the eventual heatdeath of the universe, you cunts! You won't be rid of me, you can bet your arse on that my fine feathered featherdusters!
Now many have asked "How are the Heralds of Change so amazing?", "How can I be more like the Heralds of Change?", "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if he played for the Heralds of Change?" and "Will the Heralds of Change come to my birthday party?" and the answers are "Because of their amazing coach", "You can't. It's a matter of natural charisma", "None at all, he'd be busy murdering the opposing team" and "No, fuck off!"
Some lost and bewildered souls also ask how they can play like the Heralds of Change, and that is a secret I shall now reveal to the world so that you too may find yourself the envy of your friends, enemies and small woodland creatures which go "squeak" when you step on them with hobnailed boots.
How to play the Heralds way:
1) BLOCKING
You have 11 players for a reason: To block the opposing team. The opposing team has 11 players for a reason: To be blocked by your team. If you are not blocking as much and as often as you can then you are doing it wrong. Fuck playing it safe. Fuck dice probabilities. Fuck your mother. BLOCK! Then BLOCK AGAIN! AND BLOCK SOME MORE! Are you a halfling or elf team and common wisdom says avoid violence? FUCK COMMON WISDOM! Common wisdom is a boring old cunt and can fuck right the fuck off! Are you going to let some nerdy numbercrunchers tell you not to do something just because it's more likely to fail than succeed? OF COURSE YOU ARE NOT! THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE IS TO BLOCK HARD AND BLOCK OFTEN! To drive their spreadsheats before you and hear the lamentations of their probability calculations!
2) FIRING INJURED PLAYERS
DON'T, YOU HEARTLESS FUCKING CUNT! How would you like it if you gave your life to the team and then got cut because you stubbed your toe or broke your spine in 27 places? You WOULDN'T! Christ, show some fucking humanity you cold fucking bastard! Everyone plays until they fucking die, alright? There's no escape from the team except for the coffin escape! Fuck your fancy TV management and worrying about spiraling expenses!
3) THE THROWING GAME
DO IT! So what if you're a chaos team or a dwarf team? So what if the wheezy little snots with their taped together spectacles and nasal voices go "but the probabilities...". THROWING THE BALL IS FUN! Throwing the ball far is even more fun! Throwing a long bomb with a chaos team and scoring against elves is the height of giving the finger to the prancing prats! And then you block and kill the bastards for good measure. THROW THE BALL! THROW IT!
4) CAGING, SLOW GRINDS AND STALLING
Cages are fucking boring. Slow grinds put sensible people to sleep. Stalling is for weedy little cunts who need a swift kick up the family jewels. Fuck 'em all! Break on through to the other side! Break on through to the other side! Then throw the ball and run while the rest of the team goes on a pitch-wide murder spree! Yes, it will give the other team more chances to score as well, but at least it's not a snooze.
5) TAKING THE GAME SERIOUSLY
Fucking don't.
6) STADIUM IMPROVEMENTS
Eh, do as you like, with one exception: The first and only mandatory improvement is getting an astrogranite field, because it increases the chance of injuries, both for your players and your opponents, whenever anyone Goes For It. And injuries are hillarious!
Follow these easy to learn steps and you too can call yourselves Heralds Approved and Certified! Now have a lovely fucking day, one and all.
Now many have asked "How are the Heralds of Change so amazing?", "How can I be more like the Heralds of Change?", "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if he played for the Heralds of Change?" and "Will the Heralds of Change come to my birthday party?" and the answers are "Because of their amazing coach", "You can't. It's a matter of natural charisma", "None at all, he'd be busy murdering the opposing team" and "No, fuck off!"
Some lost and bewildered souls also ask how they can play like the Heralds of Change, and that is a secret I shall now reveal to the world so that you too may find yourself the envy of your friends, enemies and small woodland creatures which go "squeak" when you step on them with hobnailed boots.
How to play the Heralds way:
1) BLOCKING
You have 11 players for a reason: To block the opposing team. The opposing team has 11 players for a reason: To be blocked by your team. If you are not blocking as much and as often as you can then you are doing it wrong. Fuck playing it safe. Fuck dice probabilities. Fuck your mother. BLOCK! Then BLOCK AGAIN! AND BLOCK SOME MORE! Are you a halfling or elf team and common wisdom says avoid violence? FUCK COMMON WISDOM! Common wisdom is a boring old cunt and can fuck right the fuck off! Are you going to let some nerdy numbercrunchers tell you not to do something just because it's more likely to fail than succeed? OF COURSE YOU ARE NOT! THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE IS TO BLOCK HARD AND BLOCK OFTEN! To drive their spreadsheats before you and hear the lamentations of their probability calculations!
2) FIRING INJURED PLAYERS
DON'T, YOU HEARTLESS FUCKING CUNT! How would you like it if you gave your life to the team and then got cut because you stubbed your toe or broke your spine in 27 places? You WOULDN'T! Christ, show some fucking humanity you cold fucking bastard! Everyone plays until they fucking die, alright? There's no escape from the team except for the coffin escape! Fuck your fancy TV management and worrying about spiraling expenses!
3) THE THROWING GAME
DO IT! So what if you're a chaos team or a dwarf team? So what if the wheezy little snots with their taped together spectacles and nasal voices go "but the probabilities...". THROWING THE BALL IS FUN! Throwing the ball far is even more fun! Throwing a long bomb with a chaos team and scoring against elves is the height of giving the finger to the prancing prats! And then you block and kill the bastards for good measure. THROW THE BALL! THROW IT!
4) CAGING, SLOW GRINDS AND STALLING
Cages are fucking boring. Slow grinds put sensible people to sleep. Stalling is for weedy little cunts who need a swift kick up the family jewels. Fuck 'em all! Break on through to the other side! Break on through to the other side! Then throw the ball and run while the rest of the team goes on a pitch-wide murder spree! Yes, it will give the other team more chances to score as well, but at least it's not a snooze.
5) TAKING THE GAME SERIOUSLY
Fucking don't.
6) STADIUM IMPROVEMENTS
Eh, do as you like, with one exception: The first and only mandatory improvement is getting an astrogranite field, because it increases the chance of injuries, both for your players and your opponents, whenever anyone Goes For It. And injuries are hillarious!
Follow these easy to learn steps and you too can call yourselves Heralds Approved and Certified! Now have a lovely fucking day, one and all.