Post by booncabal on Nov 24, 2015 23:07:28 GMT
Found in the lost realm of Bo'Ken Hardrivendell...one of the old interviews...this may have been a draft, I can't remember.
After returning from the Badlands I struck out North. Having only travelled a short distance I received a message inviting me to meet one of the premier Fun League stars. Turning back West I travelled almost to the coast, deep into the forest of Athel Loren where my next interviewee waited, amongst the home of the Asrai, as they call themselves.
One of the founding players of the Fun League, it was going to be an honour to meet Celalu, star thrower of Fangs’ Heroes, currently sitting in second place in the Orcs Hall Conference.
I was met at the forest edge by hooded guardians who led me blindfolded to a sun drenched glade, where I was seated on the grass. I blinked in the glare as the blindfold was removed. Celalu was no where in sight. My obvious confusion elicited smirks of amusement from the two tall guardians, who both peered upwards into the azure sky.
Following their gaze I was stunned to see a creature circling high above. Whilst my human eyesight could not make out much more than an ill-defined smudge, I was to later find out this was a Great Eagle, and it was from its back that Celalu leapt.
I could only watch in amazement as the elf thrower began to take shape, arms and legs outstretched like a star, his long hair streaming out behind him.
A horrified cry caught in my throat as I was convinced he must surely die on impacting with the ground. But as his grinning features came into focus I was shocked by the sudden appearance behind him of a large square of cloth, which billowed like a sail and slowed his descent to such an extent he actually drifted down next to me, landing softly, and letting out a whoop of joy!
Whilst you, my readers, may think my eyes and mind need tested I can only reassure you of my true and honest account of this. Celalu would later tell me it was a new pastime amongst some of the more adventurous elves, and was called “sky-swimming”. I hope such a mindlessly dangerous practice does not gain support back in the realm of humanity.
Celalu strode towards me with only the barest indication of a limp. Like most elves, Celalu was tall and lithe, and despite his injuries, each movement was precise and measured but with an underlying grace that left me feeling orcishly clumsy. His narrow elfish features were nicked and marked with decades of scars, his nose was slightly crooked from numerous breaks, his face was gaunt and his eyes more sunken than I might have expected, giving him an almost ruggedly weary appearance, which is no mean feat for an elf.
He hugged me like a long lost brother, ruffled my bald cranium, and then led me back to where I had initially been seated, his arm around my shoulder, regaling me with words such as “the rush” and “the buzz” and offering to teach me this strange new “sport”. I politely declined.
I had expected Celalu to be haughty as so many of his kindred are; cold even. I was to be pleasantly surprised as the problem was not drawing an interview from Celalu, but holding him to one topic.
He sat cross legged before me, back straight, and reached out to one of the guardians for his pipe. I watched in fascination as he produced a greenish tobacco-like mixture with a pungent aroma which he pressed into the pipe, from which he toked throughout our interview.
After exhaling a cloud into the air above me, he tilted his head and with only a raised eyebrow, bid me begin.
So I did.
ACE – I’d like to start, if I may, with your early career.
CELALU – Sure thing man, can I call you man, human is a mouthful. I’m still buzzing off that rush. Whoa, you sure you don’t want to try it? You’ll never get closer to the Gods!
AC – I’m sure, thank you.
CELALU – Your loss man. Right then, let me think. I started out as a lineelf with the Ashgrove Followers, then I moved to the Elmwood Sunshades. They had a fantastic coach, man, Bud Graanthen, a Treeman and a character.
ACE – In what sense?
CELALU – He tried to make us play without armour, man!
ACE – What?
Celalu giggled involuntarily. I was uncertain why, and smiled politely, assuming I was the butt of a joke I did not understand.
CELLALU - He said that if the other teams saw we were playing without armour, then it would intimidate them, scare them. Like, topless elves scaring Orcs, riiight!
More laughter, though the image of shivering elves huddled together on an iceflow in Norsca was amusing.
AC – Did it work?
CELALU – Man, we had 22 players killed in 3 games, so no, not really. I think he would forget we were not all made of wood.
Celalu chortled uncontrollably for several minutes.
ACE – You left them as their leading all time thrower with nearly 4000 yards passing and 177 scores.
CELALU – Did I? Wow. I don’t have much of a memory for the statistics, it’s not about the facts and figures, it’s more of, well, of a spiritual thing really.
ACE – You mean Nuffle?
CELALU – Mmm. I remember we had a game with the, oh who was it, the Parravon Gallants! Do you remember them?
ACE – Yes, they were captained by Clarence LaBonni.
CELALU – Yes! You’re right again man! What a superb knowledge you have. Clarence LaBonni. Ha, he was such a miserable human though forever whining about the banality of life and other existential rubbish far beyond the capability of the shortlived human mind. Anyway, it was a great game man, but you know the saying, ‘never trust a Brettonian with your woman or at your back’, and they stayed in the game with some pretty nasty fouls, let me tell you. The score was tied 4-4 and we had been pinned deep in our endzone with only maybe 5 players left. Things looked bleak.
ACE – Oh is this the infamous “alle-oop” incident?
CELALU – You’ve heard of it?
ACE – It was on the Cabavision “greatest throws” compilation.
CELALU – Really? Well that’s fantastic man. I don’t watch much cabalvision, not much call for it out here you see, I’d rather just gaze up at the stars.
Celalu rolled on his back and stared up into the sky.
CELALU – I often wonder what’s up there man, where the gods live. Other world’s maybe? Other elves? Star elves maybe!
A guffaw caught in the throat at this thought.
ACE – Well…
CELALU – I mean, listen man, you know, we might, like, not be alone. There could be whole civilisations out there, just, you know, lying on their grass, staring back at us.
Celalu fell silent as he sucked from his pipe, smoke twisting out his nostrils. I hoped the Gods would not take offence to my having to listen to this. Quite what the Elven gods might make of it I cannot tell.
ACE – Celalu?
CELALU – Hmm?
ACE – Um, you were telling me about the alle-oop.
CELALU – Was I? Oh yeah, well there we were, tied game, time running out. Back then we had no wardancers you see, but we had this catcher, dead now, what was his name? Franny, FFaran….something….
ACE – Ffarander the Dancer?
CELALU – That’s him! Did you know him? No, of course not, he died before you were born. Well, anyway, man, could he twist and turn like you would not believe and he was fast! Faster than any elf or skaven I’ve ever seen, and he broke through the humans and was on his way to the endzone.
ACE – He actually beat Mad “Gripper” Doujour on that play, a great tackler.
CELALU – Did he?
Celalu went silent, drawing in short breathes from his pipe, his eyes locked on mine.
ACE – Please continue.
CELALU - Hmm? Sorry man, I zoned out for a second. Where was I? No, it’s okay, I remember. He went too far, too quick, and I was chased back into my own endzone. I knew even I couldn’t reach him, but, you know man, it’s not like me to avoid a challenge so I put everything I had into that pass.
ACE – It was a great pass.
CELALU – Thanks man. Thanks. Well the ball hung up there like a kick and the wind caught it! It was a windy stadium the Gallants had. They built it, you know, so that the wind from the Grey Mountains would sweep down and through the stadium! It was deliberate, those crafty Brettonians.
ACE – They’ve pulled that stadium down now.
CELALU – Really.
Celalu again fixed me with a gaze and I shuffled uncomfortably thinking my interruption had offended him. I then noticed that if I moved, his gaze did not move with me. I waved my hand, and his blinked into awareness.
CELALU – Hey man.
ACE – You were telling me about the wind?
CELALU – The wind. It like blows, makes the leaves rustle, the sound of it, you know man, the *he made a series of odd blowing noises here* relaxes me. I love sleeping in a wind.
ACE – Um, right, but the wind and the alle-oop?
CELALU – Sure, sorry man, sorry. Well the wind caught the ball and took it the length of the pitch and straight into Ffarandar’s hands for the winning score! Of course, the humans complained about illegal magic, but it wasn’t that, man.
Celalu leaned forward conspiratorially
CELALU – It was Nuffle.
ACE – Nuffle?
CELALU – Shhhh. Nuffle is capricious man, but She loves the daring, you know? She admires the risky and the dangerous. Nuffle is on the edge so you must live on the edge too, if you want her on your side. She saw what we were trying, she liked it, so he made sure the ball reached there.
ACE – Nuffle is a Man, surely?
CELALU – Ha, are you tarded man. No man or elf is that nasty, that vindictive, that just, you know, spiteful. No, she’s female alright.
ACE – Well the score was ruled invalid by the dubious scores committee when they noticed betting irregularities, and the win rescinded.
CELALU – Yeah it was. Unfairly in my opinion, you know, based on, you know, on entirely circumstantial evidence. Those dirty Brettonians can’t be trusted, man.
ACE – You left the Sunshades under something of a cloud.
CELALU – Hmm.
Celalu’s next words were lost as he suffered a coughing fit and could not speak again until one of the guardian’s had brought him water. I was most concerned that his pain remedy was leaving him with swollen red eyes and his speech became ever more erratic.
ACE – Um, I believe you were sacked from the team.
CELALU – No man, No. I was not sacked, no, no, no. Not sacked, as, as you so ineloquently put it. I wish you human reporters would extend your more inflam…inflaman..matory vocab..vocabulary, it’s your language and, you know, you can barely speak it. I retired.
ACE – Right, um, why?
CELALU – Why does anyone retire man? I grew tired of the game, I suppose, the competition, the rivalry. I just wanted to sit back and take in some of the world man. I went travelling for a while, you know, to see the world. Very un-elf like. I’m still surprised they let me back.
ACE – Did you see much of the world?
CELALU – You know, I can’t remember. I think so man. I find that sometimes, my memory becomes a little foggy. Too many hits no doubt.
Celalu yawned. I had barely asked a question and this display of boredom was most disconcerting.
He finished his pipe, and lay back in the grass, I was not sure his memory loss had anything to do with his blocks. However I remained silent.
ACE – Well, um, the world is dangerous so maybe you felt, perhaps, more, um, at home here?
CELALU – Maybe man, maybe. Maybe not. You’ve got to think of the World like, you know, your Mother. That’s what you people will never understand. These trees, man, they’re like, alive…
ACE – Like Treemen?
CELALU – No, well yes I suppose. No, wait, no. I mean, see this flower?
As he held up a flower nearby I began to despair of ever making headway with this interview.
ACE – Yes.
CELALU – It breathes man. It lives. It loves!
He inhaled the flower’s scent deeply and then blew it away, watching it spin back to the earth.
CELALU – Beautiful.
ACE – So, what made you come back to play.
CELALU – Huh? Oh, hmm. Play?
ACE – Blood Bowl. Why did you return?
CELALU – Blood Bowl, of course, sorry man. Well, after a few years Coach Fangs found me. I was living on a beach on the west coast of Tilea, it was good, I would go dolphin riding till sunset, you know, watch the sun, the moon, and things like that. I had this woman, Hymeth, we spent time together man, just on the beach, in my tree. Anyway Fangs was looking for a steady hand, a leader, to come in for a season whilst he built a team for this new league. I think I kinda realised I was empty man, you know, inside. I’d been wandering looking for something, I don’t know, Hymeth was human, so there was no future there. She left to go off with some troubadour, he made her happy, I didn’t mind, I realised that I was looking for, you know, what I’d lost.
ACE – Which was?
CELALU – The game man, like you said, the game. It’s like I was looking for meaning or something, you know, but all the time, it was there..well here…where else can you live on the edge but on the Blood Bowl field? I mean I’ve done some pretty extreme shit man, you know, but there is nothing like running on that field, the fans cheering, the noise, the blood. Nothing.
I welcomed this opportunity to take the interview back to the game.
ACE – And so you came back two and half seasons ago and you’ve played well.
CELALU – I know, and it’s been great man. Tough, but great.
ACE – It’s been a difficult few seasons for you, injury wise.
CELALU – Well, you know what man, that comes with the position and being an elf in a league of larger, like, less refined teams. I mean, well, in many ways I take it as a huge compliment that so many opposing coaches think to beat us they need me out of the game. But hey, the pain is what it is man, without pain how could I know pleasure?
He waved over one of the guardians who brought him a strange “bottle” shaped object. I struggle to explain, dear readers, what Celalu did with the bottle. He appeared to burn some substance, his tobacco I believe, on the top, whilst inhaling through a tube. All very odd and it served to have him coughing and spluttering wildly for several minutes.
CELALU – Throwing *cough* the perfect score is better *hack* when, you know, that score is…well, you know what I mean *splutter* man.
I did not.
ACE – Well it does look to me like the injuries are not causing you too much trouble.
CELALU – Well thanks man. I feel them, don’t get me wrong, and I need some of my herbal friend here *He waved his bottle* to keep me from seizing up, but on game day, it’s the rush man, it keeps me sharp. But the game, people don’t get it. They don’t see the spiritual side of it. I do, yeah, and I’m at one, you know, with the earth and the game, like I was saying. This *he waved the bottle at me again* is like a doorway through the pain and into the earth. It’s like I climb through the earth’s motherly passage of love, wrap myself in her warm damp embrace, and am healed.
ACE – Right, um, well you’ve been the top rated passer in the league, how much does it help having players like Elvananfel and Hëven around you?
CELALU – Hey man, I can get the ball out there but it’s up to them to catch it, you know. If they don’t play I can’t win the game alone.
ACE – Elvananfel was voted “most arrogant bastard” and “player most likely to be assassinated” at Sunnydellmorr College.
More slightly insane laughter from Celalu.
CELALU – Man, that does not surprise me. He does like to showboat.
ACE – Speaking of team mates, what about Cirmor? I understand Coach Fangs brought him in understudy you.
CELALU – Yeah, yeah he has.
He fell silent, staring into his pail of water.
ACE – How are you finding him?
CELALU – Who?
ACE – Cirmor. He stood in for you against Da Reservzz in the last game and led the team onto a famous win.
CELALU – Yeah, he did well. The team did well. I wish I could’ve been out there.
ACE – Are you mentoring him at all? Guiding him? I hear he spends all of his free time throwing balls at wasps to improve his accuracy?
CELALU – Well, right now, I try and he’s open to it, he listens. But he’s young and confident, so sometimes, maybe, he thinks he can do it all but he has no feel for the spiritual side of the game man. He has raw talent, I’ll say that, and a good eye, but, you see, he’s not in tune. He can’t see the game for what it is; an experience. Not yet anyway.
ACE – With your injuries though the Heroes need a capable understudy.
CELALU – Well I’m not planning on dying just yet, man.
ACE – Coach Fangs has gone on record as saying he sees Cirmor stepping up this season and playing a more active role, what do you feel about that?
CELALU – Hmmm.
Celalu shrugged and yawned again, suddenly taking an interest in a butterfly as it flapped across the grass in front of him.
ACE – Celalu?
CELALU – What?
ACE – Cirmor?
CELALU – Well, I don’t know what you want me to say man. If I can’t play then he plays. He can pass. We’ve got players to take up the slack.
ACE – So you don’t think Cirmor is ready yet?
CELALU – No man. He’s too young to lead this team, he doesn’t understand it yet. Yeah he can hit a few wasps, which I’m opposed to man, wasps didn’t ask to be hit, but out there, well there aren’t any wasps.
The butterfly alighted on his shoulder.
CELALU – He needs to be more open to the world, the game. Like this butterfly. Hey little one, how are you?
As Celalu conversed with the oblivious insect, I decided to make my excuses and bring the interview to an end.
ACE - I was wondering if I could take a few shots of you passing for the article?
CELALU – Now? Sure.
He remained seated as I stood, fumbling with my cabalcam.
The guardians silently padded out from out of the shadows of the surrounding trees. I was shocked as they each took an elbow and helped Celalu to his feet, with a chorus of cracks signalling the unbending of joints.
CELALU – Been sat too long.
He could barely move.
ACE – Should you be sky-swimming with your injuries?
CELALU – Don’t worry man. It sounds worse than it feels. And up there *he glanced skyward* there is no pain. Besides I can’t feel a thing anyway *his face was dominated by a lopsided green and red bloodshot eyes* and I’ll loosen up on game day.
He steadied himself, eyes closed, and stood in silence for several moments, before waving his helpers away.
We spent a while taking carefully positioned pictures. I could not help but notice Celalu found even the most basic pose difficult and by the end beads of sweat ran down his face, and his clothing was matted against his body. Despite his protestations I remain concerned that Celalu’s body will not be able to continue on for too much longer, and in trying to do so, I fear his mind might in turn be suffering.
As the shadows lengthened, he bid me farewell, pressed a folded pack of his special “tobacco” into my palm and wished me a safe journey. Cirmor stepped unexpectedly into the glade, I wondered how long he had been listening, and helped the stiff Celalu away. I never had the opportunity to speak to the young elf thrower, but his concern for Celalu as he supported him was genuine, and in many ways, refreshing. I could hear Celalu extol the virtues of wasps as they left.
And so it was that I took my leave of Celalu, the eccentric star thrower of Fang’s Heroes and journeyed home. I have received several invites from players eager for an opportunity to have their words recorded and so I will set out soon, dear readers, and hope that you will be patient with me still further.
Alred “Ace” Ace.
After returning from the Badlands I struck out North. Having only travelled a short distance I received a message inviting me to meet one of the premier Fun League stars. Turning back West I travelled almost to the coast, deep into the forest of Athel Loren where my next interviewee waited, amongst the home of the Asrai, as they call themselves.
One of the founding players of the Fun League, it was going to be an honour to meet Celalu, star thrower of Fangs’ Heroes, currently sitting in second place in the Orcs Hall Conference.
I was met at the forest edge by hooded guardians who led me blindfolded to a sun drenched glade, where I was seated on the grass. I blinked in the glare as the blindfold was removed. Celalu was no where in sight. My obvious confusion elicited smirks of amusement from the two tall guardians, who both peered upwards into the azure sky.
Following their gaze I was stunned to see a creature circling high above. Whilst my human eyesight could not make out much more than an ill-defined smudge, I was to later find out this was a Great Eagle, and it was from its back that Celalu leapt.
I could only watch in amazement as the elf thrower began to take shape, arms and legs outstretched like a star, his long hair streaming out behind him.
A horrified cry caught in my throat as I was convinced he must surely die on impacting with the ground. But as his grinning features came into focus I was shocked by the sudden appearance behind him of a large square of cloth, which billowed like a sail and slowed his descent to such an extent he actually drifted down next to me, landing softly, and letting out a whoop of joy!
Whilst you, my readers, may think my eyes and mind need tested I can only reassure you of my true and honest account of this. Celalu would later tell me it was a new pastime amongst some of the more adventurous elves, and was called “sky-swimming”. I hope such a mindlessly dangerous practice does not gain support back in the realm of humanity.
Celalu strode towards me with only the barest indication of a limp. Like most elves, Celalu was tall and lithe, and despite his injuries, each movement was precise and measured but with an underlying grace that left me feeling orcishly clumsy. His narrow elfish features were nicked and marked with decades of scars, his nose was slightly crooked from numerous breaks, his face was gaunt and his eyes more sunken than I might have expected, giving him an almost ruggedly weary appearance, which is no mean feat for an elf.
He hugged me like a long lost brother, ruffled my bald cranium, and then led me back to where I had initially been seated, his arm around my shoulder, regaling me with words such as “the rush” and “the buzz” and offering to teach me this strange new “sport”. I politely declined.
I had expected Celalu to be haughty as so many of his kindred are; cold even. I was to be pleasantly surprised as the problem was not drawing an interview from Celalu, but holding him to one topic.
He sat cross legged before me, back straight, and reached out to one of the guardians for his pipe. I watched in fascination as he produced a greenish tobacco-like mixture with a pungent aroma which he pressed into the pipe, from which he toked throughout our interview.
After exhaling a cloud into the air above me, he tilted his head and with only a raised eyebrow, bid me begin.
So I did.
ACE – I’d like to start, if I may, with your early career.
CELALU – Sure thing man, can I call you man, human is a mouthful. I’m still buzzing off that rush. Whoa, you sure you don’t want to try it? You’ll never get closer to the Gods!
AC – I’m sure, thank you.
CELALU – Your loss man. Right then, let me think. I started out as a lineelf with the Ashgrove Followers, then I moved to the Elmwood Sunshades. They had a fantastic coach, man, Bud Graanthen, a Treeman and a character.
ACE – In what sense?
CELALU – He tried to make us play without armour, man!
ACE – What?
Celalu giggled involuntarily. I was uncertain why, and smiled politely, assuming I was the butt of a joke I did not understand.
CELLALU - He said that if the other teams saw we were playing without armour, then it would intimidate them, scare them. Like, topless elves scaring Orcs, riiight!
More laughter, though the image of shivering elves huddled together on an iceflow in Norsca was amusing.
AC – Did it work?
CELALU – Man, we had 22 players killed in 3 games, so no, not really. I think he would forget we were not all made of wood.
Celalu chortled uncontrollably for several minutes.
ACE – You left them as their leading all time thrower with nearly 4000 yards passing and 177 scores.
CELALU – Did I? Wow. I don’t have much of a memory for the statistics, it’s not about the facts and figures, it’s more of, well, of a spiritual thing really.
ACE – You mean Nuffle?
CELALU – Mmm. I remember we had a game with the, oh who was it, the Parravon Gallants! Do you remember them?
ACE – Yes, they were captained by Clarence LaBonni.
CELALU – Yes! You’re right again man! What a superb knowledge you have. Clarence LaBonni. Ha, he was such a miserable human though forever whining about the banality of life and other existential rubbish far beyond the capability of the shortlived human mind. Anyway, it was a great game man, but you know the saying, ‘never trust a Brettonian with your woman or at your back’, and they stayed in the game with some pretty nasty fouls, let me tell you. The score was tied 4-4 and we had been pinned deep in our endzone with only maybe 5 players left. Things looked bleak.
ACE – Oh is this the infamous “alle-oop” incident?
CELALU – You’ve heard of it?
ACE – It was on the Cabavision “greatest throws” compilation.
CELALU – Really? Well that’s fantastic man. I don’t watch much cabalvision, not much call for it out here you see, I’d rather just gaze up at the stars.
Celalu rolled on his back and stared up into the sky.
CELALU – I often wonder what’s up there man, where the gods live. Other world’s maybe? Other elves? Star elves maybe!
A guffaw caught in the throat at this thought.
ACE – Well…
CELALU – I mean, listen man, you know, we might, like, not be alone. There could be whole civilisations out there, just, you know, lying on their grass, staring back at us.
Celalu fell silent as he sucked from his pipe, smoke twisting out his nostrils. I hoped the Gods would not take offence to my having to listen to this. Quite what the Elven gods might make of it I cannot tell.
ACE – Celalu?
CELALU – Hmm?
ACE – Um, you were telling me about the alle-oop.
CELALU – Was I? Oh yeah, well there we were, tied game, time running out. Back then we had no wardancers you see, but we had this catcher, dead now, what was his name? Franny, FFaran….something….
ACE – Ffarander the Dancer?
CELALU – That’s him! Did you know him? No, of course not, he died before you were born. Well, anyway, man, could he twist and turn like you would not believe and he was fast! Faster than any elf or skaven I’ve ever seen, and he broke through the humans and was on his way to the endzone.
ACE – He actually beat Mad “Gripper” Doujour on that play, a great tackler.
CELALU – Did he?
Celalu went silent, drawing in short breathes from his pipe, his eyes locked on mine.
ACE – Please continue.
CELALU - Hmm? Sorry man, I zoned out for a second. Where was I? No, it’s okay, I remember. He went too far, too quick, and I was chased back into my own endzone. I knew even I couldn’t reach him, but, you know man, it’s not like me to avoid a challenge so I put everything I had into that pass.
ACE – It was a great pass.
CELALU – Thanks man. Thanks. Well the ball hung up there like a kick and the wind caught it! It was a windy stadium the Gallants had. They built it, you know, so that the wind from the Grey Mountains would sweep down and through the stadium! It was deliberate, those crafty Brettonians.
ACE – They’ve pulled that stadium down now.
CELALU – Really.
Celalu again fixed me with a gaze and I shuffled uncomfortably thinking my interruption had offended him. I then noticed that if I moved, his gaze did not move with me. I waved my hand, and his blinked into awareness.
CELALU – Hey man.
ACE – You were telling me about the wind?
CELALU – The wind. It like blows, makes the leaves rustle, the sound of it, you know man, the *he made a series of odd blowing noises here* relaxes me. I love sleeping in a wind.
ACE – Um, right, but the wind and the alle-oop?
CELALU – Sure, sorry man, sorry. Well the wind caught the ball and took it the length of the pitch and straight into Ffarandar’s hands for the winning score! Of course, the humans complained about illegal magic, but it wasn’t that, man.
Celalu leaned forward conspiratorially
CELALU – It was Nuffle.
ACE – Nuffle?
CELALU – Shhhh. Nuffle is capricious man, but She loves the daring, you know? She admires the risky and the dangerous. Nuffle is on the edge so you must live on the edge too, if you want her on your side. She saw what we were trying, she liked it, so he made sure the ball reached there.
ACE – Nuffle is a Man, surely?
CELALU – Ha, are you tarded man. No man or elf is that nasty, that vindictive, that just, you know, spiteful. No, she’s female alright.
ACE – Well the score was ruled invalid by the dubious scores committee when they noticed betting irregularities, and the win rescinded.
CELALU – Yeah it was. Unfairly in my opinion, you know, based on, you know, on entirely circumstantial evidence. Those dirty Brettonians can’t be trusted, man.
ACE – You left the Sunshades under something of a cloud.
CELALU – Hmm.
Celalu’s next words were lost as he suffered a coughing fit and could not speak again until one of the guardian’s had brought him water. I was most concerned that his pain remedy was leaving him with swollen red eyes and his speech became ever more erratic.
ACE – Um, I believe you were sacked from the team.
CELALU – No man, No. I was not sacked, no, no, no. Not sacked, as, as you so ineloquently put it. I wish you human reporters would extend your more inflam…inflaman..matory vocab..vocabulary, it’s your language and, you know, you can barely speak it. I retired.
ACE – Right, um, why?
CELALU – Why does anyone retire man? I grew tired of the game, I suppose, the competition, the rivalry. I just wanted to sit back and take in some of the world man. I went travelling for a while, you know, to see the world. Very un-elf like. I’m still surprised they let me back.
ACE – Did you see much of the world?
CELALU – You know, I can’t remember. I think so man. I find that sometimes, my memory becomes a little foggy. Too many hits no doubt.
Celalu yawned. I had barely asked a question and this display of boredom was most disconcerting.
He finished his pipe, and lay back in the grass, I was not sure his memory loss had anything to do with his blocks. However I remained silent.
ACE – Well, um, the world is dangerous so maybe you felt, perhaps, more, um, at home here?
CELALU – Maybe man, maybe. Maybe not. You’ve got to think of the World like, you know, your Mother. That’s what you people will never understand. These trees, man, they’re like, alive…
ACE – Like Treemen?
CELALU – No, well yes I suppose. No, wait, no. I mean, see this flower?
As he held up a flower nearby I began to despair of ever making headway with this interview.
ACE – Yes.
CELALU – It breathes man. It lives. It loves!
He inhaled the flower’s scent deeply and then blew it away, watching it spin back to the earth.
CELALU – Beautiful.
ACE – So, what made you come back to play.
CELALU – Huh? Oh, hmm. Play?
ACE – Blood Bowl. Why did you return?
CELALU – Blood Bowl, of course, sorry man. Well, after a few years Coach Fangs found me. I was living on a beach on the west coast of Tilea, it was good, I would go dolphin riding till sunset, you know, watch the sun, the moon, and things like that. I had this woman, Hymeth, we spent time together man, just on the beach, in my tree. Anyway Fangs was looking for a steady hand, a leader, to come in for a season whilst he built a team for this new league. I think I kinda realised I was empty man, you know, inside. I’d been wandering looking for something, I don’t know, Hymeth was human, so there was no future there. She left to go off with some troubadour, he made her happy, I didn’t mind, I realised that I was looking for, you know, what I’d lost.
ACE – Which was?
CELALU – The game man, like you said, the game. It’s like I was looking for meaning or something, you know, but all the time, it was there..well here…where else can you live on the edge but on the Blood Bowl field? I mean I’ve done some pretty extreme shit man, you know, but there is nothing like running on that field, the fans cheering, the noise, the blood. Nothing.
I welcomed this opportunity to take the interview back to the game.
ACE – And so you came back two and half seasons ago and you’ve played well.
CELALU – I know, and it’s been great man. Tough, but great.
ACE – It’s been a difficult few seasons for you, injury wise.
CELALU – Well, you know what man, that comes with the position and being an elf in a league of larger, like, less refined teams. I mean, well, in many ways I take it as a huge compliment that so many opposing coaches think to beat us they need me out of the game. But hey, the pain is what it is man, without pain how could I know pleasure?
He waved over one of the guardians who brought him a strange “bottle” shaped object. I struggle to explain, dear readers, what Celalu did with the bottle. He appeared to burn some substance, his tobacco I believe, on the top, whilst inhaling through a tube. All very odd and it served to have him coughing and spluttering wildly for several minutes.
CELALU – Throwing *cough* the perfect score is better *hack* when, you know, that score is…well, you know what I mean *splutter* man.
I did not.
ACE – Well it does look to me like the injuries are not causing you too much trouble.
CELALU – Well thanks man. I feel them, don’t get me wrong, and I need some of my herbal friend here *He waved his bottle* to keep me from seizing up, but on game day, it’s the rush man, it keeps me sharp. But the game, people don’t get it. They don’t see the spiritual side of it. I do, yeah, and I’m at one, you know, with the earth and the game, like I was saying. This *he waved the bottle at me again* is like a doorway through the pain and into the earth. It’s like I climb through the earth’s motherly passage of love, wrap myself in her warm damp embrace, and am healed.
ACE – Right, um, well you’ve been the top rated passer in the league, how much does it help having players like Elvananfel and Hëven around you?
CELALU – Hey man, I can get the ball out there but it’s up to them to catch it, you know. If they don’t play I can’t win the game alone.
ACE – Elvananfel was voted “most arrogant bastard” and “player most likely to be assassinated” at Sunnydellmorr College.
More slightly insane laughter from Celalu.
CELALU – Man, that does not surprise me. He does like to showboat.
ACE – Speaking of team mates, what about Cirmor? I understand Coach Fangs brought him in understudy you.
CELALU – Yeah, yeah he has.
He fell silent, staring into his pail of water.
ACE – How are you finding him?
CELALU – Who?
ACE – Cirmor. He stood in for you against Da Reservzz in the last game and led the team onto a famous win.
CELALU – Yeah, he did well. The team did well. I wish I could’ve been out there.
ACE – Are you mentoring him at all? Guiding him? I hear he spends all of his free time throwing balls at wasps to improve his accuracy?
CELALU – Well, right now, I try and he’s open to it, he listens. But he’s young and confident, so sometimes, maybe, he thinks he can do it all but he has no feel for the spiritual side of the game man. He has raw talent, I’ll say that, and a good eye, but, you see, he’s not in tune. He can’t see the game for what it is; an experience. Not yet anyway.
ACE – With your injuries though the Heroes need a capable understudy.
CELALU – Well I’m not planning on dying just yet, man.
ACE – Coach Fangs has gone on record as saying he sees Cirmor stepping up this season and playing a more active role, what do you feel about that?
CELALU – Hmmm.
Celalu shrugged and yawned again, suddenly taking an interest in a butterfly as it flapped across the grass in front of him.
ACE – Celalu?
CELALU – What?
ACE – Cirmor?
CELALU – Well, I don’t know what you want me to say man. If I can’t play then he plays. He can pass. We’ve got players to take up the slack.
ACE – So you don’t think Cirmor is ready yet?
CELALU – No man. He’s too young to lead this team, he doesn’t understand it yet. Yeah he can hit a few wasps, which I’m opposed to man, wasps didn’t ask to be hit, but out there, well there aren’t any wasps.
The butterfly alighted on his shoulder.
CELALU – He needs to be more open to the world, the game. Like this butterfly. Hey little one, how are you?
As Celalu conversed with the oblivious insect, I decided to make my excuses and bring the interview to an end.
ACE - I was wondering if I could take a few shots of you passing for the article?
CELALU – Now? Sure.
He remained seated as I stood, fumbling with my cabalcam.
The guardians silently padded out from out of the shadows of the surrounding trees. I was shocked as they each took an elbow and helped Celalu to his feet, with a chorus of cracks signalling the unbending of joints.
CELALU – Been sat too long.
He could barely move.
ACE – Should you be sky-swimming with your injuries?
CELALU – Don’t worry man. It sounds worse than it feels. And up there *he glanced skyward* there is no pain. Besides I can’t feel a thing anyway *his face was dominated by a lopsided green and red bloodshot eyes* and I’ll loosen up on game day.
He steadied himself, eyes closed, and stood in silence for several moments, before waving his helpers away.
We spent a while taking carefully positioned pictures. I could not help but notice Celalu found even the most basic pose difficult and by the end beads of sweat ran down his face, and his clothing was matted against his body. Despite his protestations I remain concerned that Celalu’s body will not be able to continue on for too much longer, and in trying to do so, I fear his mind might in turn be suffering.
As the shadows lengthened, he bid me farewell, pressed a folded pack of his special “tobacco” into my palm and wished me a safe journey. Cirmor stepped unexpectedly into the glade, I wondered how long he had been listening, and helped the stiff Celalu away. I never had the opportunity to speak to the young elf thrower, but his concern for Celalu as he supported him was genuine, and in many ways, refreshing. I could hear Celalu extol the virtues of wasps as they left.
And so it was that I took my leave of Celalu, the eccentric star thrower of Fang’s Heroes and journeyed home. I have received several invites from players eager for an opportunity to have their words recorded and so I will set out soon, dear readers, and hope that you will be patient with me still further.
Alred “Ace” Ace.