Exclusive "in the closet" interview with Sybaris
Sept 13, 2016 19:25:40 GMT
Weljamir and Thricedarned like this
Post by sybaris on Sept 13, 2016 19:25:40 GMT
HENRIK : Greetings folks, this is Henrik Gotteborg for Spike Illustrated!
And so here we gather again for the interseasonal « in the closet » -interview with a player, one that you, dear readers, have requested for a long time. It is absolutely a privilege to be nominated for the task, after the untimely demise of our collegue, Frederich Kindergarter. Unfortunately none of the players you wanted to hear from were available, or alive, or cheap enough at the time of the shooting so we make do with a player of our editor’s choice…although this one is quite peculiar and twisted. Hector Vilebile is our transcriptor, who will be doing this live transcript for the magazine. I am excited!
In comes the head coach, owner – and player- of the Essence of Evil, none else than Sybaris, a ravenous ex-witch-elf who has many secrets to share and hide from you, most valuable viewers.
Due greetings, may i call you Sybaris?
SYBARIS : No
HENRIK : Erm…this is a –live - interview for Spike Illustrated!, we’re here to talk about your career and all, while we are completely cramped in this clusterfuck of a closet.
SYBARIS : Let’s get down to it.
HENRIK :…okay, for starters, just…how can you manage to play and coach at the same time, it is very uncommon and…usually very unsuccessful in Blood Bowl’s history.
SYBARIS : It’s easier than it looks, you gather a bunch of murderous people together, tell them that if they kill, score or cripple the opposing team, they get a lot of money, females and glory…and that’s it.
HENRIK : Are you saying that The Essence of Evil has absolutely no plans ahead of a match? (we already know that seeing the replays)
SYBARIS : We don’t have plays no…we deal with what’s going on, but we do look for who we’d rather kill first.
HENRIK : (No doubt that explains the poor performance)…i mean that’s a lovely, and violent, view of the game...and so coaching a dark elf team is less tedious than it seems really.
SYBARIS : Perhaps less tedious, but no less dangerous…i did say « murderous » to describe them, didn’t I?
HENRIK : Yes, yes you did.
SYBARIS : So you always need to be one step ahead of them… and the best way to do that is…to be on the pitch. Bonus is that i get to punch the opposing players myself…and pesky reporters too.
HENRIK : You do know that there is a strong opposition to the principle of player-coach, such as your business.
SYBARIS : Screw them! Odds are they are just frustrated i didn’t, yet, anyway!
HENRIK : Okay…here’s one that i am certain will entertain your fans (if you got any, bitch). How did you get the infamous Tongueflayer to sign on your (shit) team?
SYBARIS : I made him an offer he could not survive.
HENRIK : How? He’s one of the best players of the league you’re in, actually a real rising legend, though he doesn’t seem to have the greatest seasons so far, many speak that it is because he has no support from equal skilled teammates. And what about the rumors that you two have developped a…
SYBARIS : Sounds to me you want to talk to him instead?
HENRIK : Err, no…i prefer to keep my tongue really.
SYBARIS : Good. He sticks with this team because it gives him the freedom to play how he wants, fuck who he wants, and not being under the spotlight too much from the likes of you…helps him get away with the perks of being an homicidal prick, too. We have three princes, and one Lord on the roster, so it’s depraved all around, he fits right in. If he doesn’t shine as much, it means that the other players are actually doing something…no?
HENRIK : But then…what do the other princes and…Lord (who?) think of this?
SYBARIS : They don’t give a shit, plus if one gets more attention it leaves the others free of it to commit obscene acts of wanton violence…win win.
HENRIK : And what about you, Syb-
*slap*
SYBARIS : Yes what about me?
HENRIK : We heard (and that’s the only interesting thing we can find anyway) that you were declared dead last year at the end of a match, for the third time in your career! What could you say to your fans about this.
SYBARIS : They’re just suckers for attention, all of them. I wasn’t dead…they just didn’t know the difference is all!
HENRIK : Like…no breath, pulse, pale skin, and gushing wounds?
SYBARIS : Yeah what else? There’s apothecaries and healers for that.
HENRIK : Ahem – sure…and necromancers too …oh and you look really great by the way, nice hair and err, really long teeth and those two big...round...Eyes…glowing yellow like…*uncomprehensible mumbling*
SYBARIS : Thanks, want to fuck?
HENRIK : Errr! Ss…gg…*indaudible fuss from the closet*
-pause-
HENRIK : Anyway we’ve done the interview part, i think we have enough, we can all agree that…now we can proceed to the photoshoot. We have some actors here to make it look all good. This zombie here is Hector, and this is Goran, a promising recruit of the…uh…of a team based in Teufelfeuer…sure you’ll hear about him in a year or two, but he really is a machine. Here’s your script everyone.
SYBARIS : - …this shit script has « Sybaris - naked crazy undead she-elf bitch coach article » in the title…and how come is this about a female elf being gang banged by a zombie and an idiot with a horse cock.
HENRIK : - Oh!…ahem. Well…that was the editor’s copy…a…really early one, who put it there? It wasn’t me i swear! *gurgling sound*
SYBARIS : Looks like your boss is sending you a message; You suck! How about making sure that the fans will at least remember this article…as your last! It’ll sell well, i promise. Sex, bitches and murder, always a hit.
-End of transcript-
Editor’s note :
Again a wonderful interseasonal « In the closet » interview for Spike Illustrated! Please enlist for a yearly subscription to receive more grisly details and scandalous pictures of the interviews.
If you wish to pursue an exciting career of journalism, please send your resume to Ludvig Von Debacle at SPIKE ILLUSTRATED!, Room II, block IIV, Street of Champions, Altdorf. We're always hiring!
SPIKE ILLUSTRATED!, a company by SPIKE! Magazine
And so here we gather again for the interseasonal « in the closet » -interview with a player, one that you, dear readers, have requested for a long time. It is absolutely a privilege to be nominated for the task, after the untimely demise of our collegue, Frederich Kindergarter. Unfortunately none of the players you wanted to hear from were available, or alive, or cheap enough at the time of the shooting so we make do with a player of our editor’s choice…although this one is quite peculiar and twisted. Hector Vilebile is our transcriptor, who will be doing this live transcript for the magazine. I am excited!
In comes the head coach, owner – and player- of the Essence of Evil, none else than Sybaris, a ravenous ex-witch-elf who has many secrets to share and hide from you, most valuable viewers.
Due greetings, may i call you Sybaris?
SYBARIS : No
HENRIK : Erm…this is a –live - interview for Spike Illustrated!, we’re here to talk about your career and all, while we are completely cramped in this clusterfuck of a closet.
SYBARIS : Let’s get down to it.
HENRIK :…okay, for starters, just…how can you manage to play and coach at the same time, it is very uncommon and…usually very unsuccessful in Blood Bowl’s history.
SYBARIS : It’s easier than it looks, you gather a bunch of murderous people together, tell them that if they kill, score or cripple the opposing team, they get a lot of money, females and glory…and that’s it.
HENRIK : Are you saying that The Essence of Evil has absolutely no plans ahead of a match? (we already know that seeing the replays)
SYBARIS : We don’t have plays no…we deal with what’s going on, but we do look for who we’d rather kill first.
HENRIK : (No doubt that explains the poor performance)…i mean that’s a lovely, and violent, view of the game...and so coaching a dark elf team is less tedious than it seems really.
SYBARIS : Perhaps less tedious, but no less dangerous…i did say « murderous » to describe them, didn’t I?
HENRIK : Yes, yes you did.
SYBARIS : So you always need to be one step ahead of them… and the best way to do that is…to be on the pitch. Bonus is that i get to punch the opposing players myself…and pesky reporters too.
HENRIK : You do know that there is a strong opposition to the principle of player-coach, such as your business.
SYBARIS : Screw them! Odds are they are just frustrated i didn’t, yet, anyway!
HENRIK : Okay…here’s one that i am certain will entertain your fans (if you got any, bitch). How did you get the infamous Tongueflayer to sign on your (shit) team?
SYBARIS : I made him an offer he could not survive.
HENRIK : How? He’s one of the best players of the league you’re in, actually a real rising legend, though he doesn’t seem to have the greatest seasons so far, many speak that it is because he has no support from equal skilled teammates. And what about the rumors that you two have developped a…
SYBARIS : Sounds to me you want to talk to him instead?
HENRIK : Err, no…i prefer to keep my tongue really.
SYBARIS : Good. He sticks with this team because it gives him the freedom to play how he wants, fuck who he wants, and not being under the spotlight too much from the likes of you…helps him get away with the perks of being an homicidal prick, too. We have three princes, and one Lord on the roster, so it’s depraved all around, he fits right in. If he doesn’t shine as much, it means that the other players are actually doing something…no?
HENRIK : But then…what do the other princes and…Lord (who?) think of this?
SYBARIS : They don’t give a shit, plus if one gets more attention it leaves the others free of it to commit obscene acts of wanton violence…win win.
HENRIK : And what about you, Syb-
*slap*
SYBARIS : Yes what about me?
HENRIK : We heard (and that’s the only interesting thing we can find anyway) that you were declared dead last year at the end of a match, for the third time in your career! What could you say to your fans about this.
SYBARIS : They’re just suckers for attention, all of them. I wasn’t dead…they just didn’t know the difference is all!
HENRIK : Like…no breath, pulse, pale skin, and gushing wounds?
SYBARIS : Yeah what else? There’s apothecaries and healers for that.
HENRIK : Ahem – sure…and necromancers too …oh and you look really great by the way, nice hair and err, really long teeth and those two big...round...Eyes…glowing yellow like…*uncomprehensible mumbling*
SYBARIS : Thanks, want to fuck?
HENRIK : Errr! Ss…gg…*indaudible fuss from the closet*
-pause-
HENRIK : Anyway we’ve done the interview part, i think we have enough, we can all agree that…now we can proceed to the photoshoot. We have some actors here to make it look all good. This zombie here is Hector, and this is Goran, a promising recruit of the…uh…of a team based in Teufelfeuer…sure you’ll hear about him in a year or two, but he really is a machine. Here’s your script everyone.
SYBARIS : - …this shit script has « Sybaris - naked crazy undead she-elf bitch coach article » in the title…and how come is this about a female elf being gang banged by a zombie and an idiot with a horse cock.
HENRIK : - Oh!…ahem. Well…that was the editor’s copy…a…really early one, who put it there? It wasn’t me i swear! *gurgling sound*
SYBARIS : Looks like your boss is sending you a message; You suck! How about making sure that the fans will at least remember this article…as your last! It’ll sell well, i promise. Sex, bitches and murder, always a hit.
-End of transcript-
Editor’s note :
Again a wonderful interseasonal « In the closet » interview for Spike Illustrated! Please enlist for a yearly subscription to receive more grisly details and scandalous pictures of the interviews.
If you wish to pursue an exciting career of journalism, please send your resume to Ludvig Von Debacle at SPIKE ILLUSTRATED!, Room II, block IIV, Street of Champions, Altdorf. We're always hiring!
SPIKE ILLUSTRATED!, a company by SPIKE! Magazine